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I suppose it all began in a keep in Vetrheim
I was just thirteen then, a servant at the time
My overbloated master was preparing for his feast
Of ale and meat and vegetables, ten courses at the least
Unwittingly I served to him soup which contained a fly
His face turned red in anger, he demanded to know why
"You foolish boy! Come over here, and see what you have done!"
"Be quiet, sir" I told him "Or they'll all be wanting one"
He roared and roared with laughter, he laughed so very hard
"You're hired my boy" he chuckled "as my personal bard"
I said I didn't want the job, more trouble than it's worth
But who could deny a Baron who was clearly filled with mirth?
He made me wear a stupid hat, me made me prance about
And when he didn't like it, he'd bellow and he'd shout
His heckling was so severe I started to go mad
But he wasn't quite as bad as you, the worst audience I've had
I've played some awful gigs in my time upon this earth
I'm heckled and I'm never paid quite what I am worth
His heckling was so severe I started to go mad
But he wasn't quite as bad as you, the worst audience I've had
I soon escaped the Baron and I travelled far and wide
I ran from outraged audiences, I tried to save my hide
They chased with broken bottles, they pelted me with fruit
They smashed and burnt my instruments, guitar and pipes and flute
The Lions and the Harts, well they listened with dismay
And though I escaped with my life, they flat refused to pay
I've been declared an outlaw by Erdreja's kings and queens
But they weren't quite as bad as you, the worst audience I've seen
I've played some awful gigs in my time upon this earth
I'm heckled and I'm never paid quite what I am worth
I've been declared an outlaw by Erdreja's kings and queens
But they weren't quite as bad as you, the worst audience I've seen
I've insulted Matron Mothers, and that gig cost me dear
I've entered in the Bard's Contest, I lose it every year
The Dragons have Bardic privelidge, my welcome was outstayed
The taverns I'm not banned from become fewer every day
The Unicorns and Gryphons, they just have no sense of fun
They tried to arrest me, so I just had to run
I've played to Viper zombies, they loved me for my brains (geddit?)
But they couldn't match you, you're so hard to entertain
I've played some awful gigs in my time upon this earth
I'm heckled and I'm never paid quite what I am worth
I've played to Viper zombies, they loved me for my brains
But they couldn't match you, you're so hard to entertain
I wrote some of the finest songs ever crafted on this land
But you'll never hear them, 'cos most of them are banned
The Wolves love their diplomacy, but not freedom of speech
One day I think they'll sail off, and leave me on the beach
I was told the Bears and Jackals really liked a song
But when I went to play for them I found out I was wrong
So please don't take it personally, 'cos I don't want to die
You guys are my worst audience, that's no word of a lie
credits
from A Brick Over Troubled Mortar,
released August 26, 2004
Words by Lester (Stephen McGreal)
Music by Kasimir (Neil Albrechtsen)
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