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Never Mind The Ologs

by The Bricks

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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    An actual, new Bricks album on CD! It'll sound great in your car on the way to events (which is where we reckon you'll play it), and you can leave it playing whilst you set up your tent so everyone knows how cool you are. Professionally recorded, mastered and manufactured, featuring cover art by Ian Bowden.

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  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 5 The Bricks releases available on Bandcamp and save 20%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Difficult Second Album, Money For Barding, Bricks For Free, Never Mind The Ologs, Lester: Unplugged & Unhinged, and A Brick Over Troubled Mortar. , and , .

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1.
Chorus 1 Let's write a Satirical Viking Folk Song Let's make it the best we've ever done Let's write a Satirical Viking Folk Song And take the p*** out of everyone Verse 1 It's got to appeal to xenophobics It's got infringe your civil rights It's got to claim that elves have no dicks And start a lot of pointless fights And it's got to have a bit where Thorkal shows off his guitar skills... Chorus 2 Let's write a Satirical Viking Folk Song Let's give those Norscan boys a laugh Let's write a Satirical Viking Folk Song It can be our epitaph Verse 2 It's got to have at least one verse entirely, Devoted to slagging off the drow, Because we think they're twisted and evil and slimy, But they probably know that by now, And it's got to have a bit where we all shout "Let's Stab 'em Up!!" Chorus 1 Verse 3 It's got to have a lot of double entendres, To thrill the privates on parade, But we don't care if they're single entendres, Just as long as it get's us laid, And it's got to have a joke about wood... Chorus 2 Verse 4 It's got to have a lot of bad rhymes, It's got to have lines that don't quite fit into the space available, It's got to have grammatical word crimes, It's got to have jokes that aren't quite saleable, And it's got to have a bit with a dog..... Chorus 1 Verse 5 It's got to have a verse all about Lester, Where he tells the story of his life, It's got to rhyme with fester, jester, depresseder, tester and ancestor, And complain about his former wife, And it's got to have a bit where he insults the audience... Chorus 2 Verse 6 It's got to insult the other factions, Like the Bears, Harts, Lions, Dragons, Gryphons, Jackals, Unicorns and Drow, Once upon a time it would have been the Vipers, But apparently they're all on our side now, And it's got to have a bit that goes in this bit..... Chorus 1
2.
I'll Whip Out My Tools, If You'll Help Me Get Wood, Together We Can Make Something Good. And I'll Roll Up My Sleeves, If You'll Pull Back My Hood, It's Kind Of Stiff So You'll Have To tug It Good. Chorus This Is A Song About Carpentry, All The Wonderful Things You Can Make From A Tree, Just Add Some Hinges, Some Handles And Some Locks Then We Can Admire Your Stunning Box. I'll Hammer It In Hard, If You Show Me The Spot, Then I'll Neatly Dovetail It Into The Slot. To Finish It Off Nice, I'll Use My Tongue-In-Groove, And Wax It Up So It Slips In Nice And Smooth. - Chorus - I'll Loosen Up Your Drawers, If You Show Me Your Chest An Oiling And A Rub-Down Does It Best Oak Is Really Hard, And Maple's Really Fine But If You're Good I'll Let You Stroke My Pine - Chorus -
3.
Norks 02:43
What's the first thing that you can remember, What's the first thing that caught your eye? Well for me it was a pair of shirt potatoes, Now I'll have a breast fixation till the day that I die! CHORUS 'Cause you can joggle them, you can jiggle them, you can wobble them, you can wiggle them, you can put your head between them and go <Make (in)appropriate flubbing sound here> You can grab them, you can grope them, you can stroke them, you can soap them, they're a man's best friend, Norks, norks, norks, norks norks! They're second to none as a beverage dispenser, And babies latch on to them with exuberance, So if there's nothing in the fridge, and you take your coffee white, Then grab a mammalian protruberance! - Chorus - Small, perky, pert ones are a joy to behold, But you can't beat a cracking bit of cleavage, You get pink ones, you get brown ones, You get yellow ones, you get green ones, But I don't mind the colour just as long as there's heavage - Chorus - They're wabs, they're globes, they're funbags, They're jubblies, they're bazookas, They're dairy pillows, melons, they are chesticles, They're udders, orbs, they're puppies, They're outdoor lungs, they're knockers, And they make me feel all fuzzy in my... heart.... - Chorus -
4.
I'm sick and tired of all these bullies getting on my case They tease me 'cos I live with mum, and kick sand in my face Gonna show them all who's boss, I'm gonna live the dream And I'll become the most amazing creature ever seen I'm a puny mortal meatsack, as I've become aware So step one of my master plan is to become a Were I'll dress up as a little girl, put on my riding hood Skip along the forest path, right through the scary wood When the nasty werewolf leaps out, his big teeth I'll admire I'll get bit and nearly be a Wereapalalockapire Wereapalalockapire, Wereapalalockapire When I become one I will be a hit with all the ladies Wereapalalockapire, Wereapalalockapire I wanted power, all I got was fleas and bloody rabies Next up I need vampires, those creatures of the night But how to make the walking dead walk up and take a bite? I'll wear black clothes, become Emo, say "Yeah, I'm pretty dark" And if I cut my wrists the blood attracts them like a shark I'll bare my neck and not complain as they stick their fangs in I'll get bit and nearly be a Vampawerealockadin Vampawerealockadin, Vampawerealockadin When I'm one the girls will say that I could not be dreamier Vampawerealockadin, Vampawerealockadin I wanted power, all I got was sodding septicemia Now to be a paladin - gosh darn, I am persistent! I guess you make them bite you too? Well that would be consistent This one's a bit trickier, so I'll think la-ter-al-ly I'll dress like a communion wafer, they'll bite right into me I'll be fitter, stronger, faster - oh yes, I'll really rock I'll get bit and nearly be a Palavampawerealock Palavampawerealock, Palavampawerealock There's nothing left to stop me now in my quest for betterness Palavampawerealock, Palavampawerealock His rusty armour's only gone and gave me frigging tetanus Finally the warlocks, the trickiest of all It's hard to make them bite you, they'll just magebolt you in the... head I guess I'll just sneak up on one, but before things can go south I'll take a running jump and hurl myself at their mouth Then I will be awesome, and I'll live without a care I'll get bit and then I'll be a Waravampapalawere Waravampapalawere, Waravampapalawere I'll crush my foes right underfoot, my enemies I'll smash Waravampapalawere, Waravampapalawere Just as soon as I've cleared up this unspecified rash Just as soon as I've cleared up this unspecified rash
5.
I was in my cell doing five to eight When they introduced my new cellmate With skin as green as gangrene on a frog He said "I need to save my goblin hide Or this time tomorrow I'll be fried But we need to get past three guards and a dog He said "close your eyes so you can't see I'm going to throw a shape or three My sexy goblin dance will set us free" When I opened up my eyes The dog was bald and paralysed And the guards had checked into therapy CHORUS Goblin sexy dance Erect a bell tent in your pants Sexy dance Your retinas won't stand a chance Sexy dance What's been seen can't be unseen Sexy dance, sexy dance, sexy dance, sexy dance Once you've gone green you'll never get clean We were out of jail and on the run When a vampire tried to spoil our fun He said "I'm going to suck your jugular" I said "I'm a bard and he's a goblin We don't know the first thing about juggling" And the vampire said "No! I said JugUlar!" As the vampire made his move The goblin got into his groove I used my cloak to cover up my face He kicked his heels and took some names The vampire burst out into flames And left a pile of teeth and burning lace CHORUS We holed up in a deep, dark mine Hoping we could buy some time But a black and silver rockfall blocked our way It landed with a might splat When we poked it, it was quivering fat A matron mother out to spoil our day We couldn't get through, couldn't get around Then the goblin's toes made a tapping sound As he bust his moves the drow began to drool Her loins were lusting and her bra was busting As she gazed at his disgusting thrusting When he was done there was just an inky pool CHORUS Found a carnival on the edge of town With a bearded lady and a scary clown They chased us from the freak show to a tent We ducked inside for a place to hide But we were surrounded on all sides By creatures that were tall and thin and bent He began to twist and spin But so did his distorted twin In the Hall of Mirrors, the goblin met his match He fell in love with his reflected self And morphed into a prancing elf I snuck out and left him in his sticky patch CHORUS Once you've gone green you'll never get clean Unless you preen like an elven queen
6.
There's nothing we love more Than to sit together and drink And sing til our voices are raw About any old guff we can think So we really should have a song Of the joys of imbibing ale All the drunkards could sing along But we've tried and we've tried and we've failed CHORUS: We don't know how to write A proper drinking song 'Cos we've been drunk all night Been quaffing all day long Our heads are spinning round Our legs can't seem to steer The only cure we've found Is to have another beer We'll drink you under the table We'll drink you under the chair We'll drink twice as much as you're able But we don't have tune we can share Our bards are all down the boozer They're drinking all they can take ErdrejaVision Song Contest losers And that was their fatal mistake CHORUS We're hammered, we're spannered, we're sozzled, we're smashed We're seeing pink elephants, we're rather mashed We're trousered, we're starfished, we're quite worse for wear We're twisted, we're legless, we're too gone to care Our livers are losing, our balance is shot We're needing the toilet rather a lot We're ratted, we're battered, we're reeking of booze We've got beer on our trousers and puke on our shoes CHORUS
7.
Woke up this morning, my face was black Only thing that I could feel was the whip across my back Looked in the mirror - where is my hair? What's with this silver mullet? How did that get there? Ow! I don't know how But I think I've turned into a drow Gonna have to move underground, 'cos I can't stand the light Might as well sell my axe and shield, 'cos I've forgotten how to fight Feeling kinda lonely 'cos I lost all my friends Except for Vlad and Kara, and I think Kara just pretends Ow! What do I do now? I think I've turned into a drow Spending all my money on purple leather and silver thread Hard-nosed women in black corsets keep messing with my head I don't wanna stop being Norscan 'cos I've got so much to lose I hate living life as a dark elf, I've got the Underdark Blues Ow! Holy cow! It really sucks being a drow Ow! Stab me now! I don't wanna be a drow
8.
CHORUS It's just a tad too nippy in Siberja, And uncomfortably humid in Cathay, Its far too overcrowded out in Nihon, For a Norscan Skald to spend his holiday. Oh where in Erdreja can I take my holiday? I'm getting tired of Norsca and I need to get away I once went walking in the hills of Cymrja, But the sheep followed me back to my hotel, I avoid the travel agencies in Norhault, And the rip-off package holidays they sell. The problem with Estragales is the Estragalians, How men can talk so queer is hard to see, In Teutonia if you're human and still breathing, Then you're an ethnic minority. CHORUS In the underdark they've got it topsy turvy, With the woman literally hitting on the man, I tried a touring holiday in Erin, But the thieving gyppos pinched my caravan. I spent last hogmanay in Caledonia, Now the smell of vomit lingers on my clothes, Perhaps I should have tea and scones in Albion, But the constant whingeing gets right up my nose. CHORUS I could stroll the fine piazza's of Sicilja, If I liked to see statues of naked men, I could risk it all by sailing to Aegyptus, But I might not ever make it back again. I was invited to pop in and see some Lions, When I arrived they'd all moved out again, I've spent some working holidays in Orkney, But I want leisure time, not fighting in the rain. CHORUS So now I'll take my holidays in Graecia, Sampling the olives and the wine, I'm sure I'll be a hit with all the ladies, For their men are short, bald, malodorous swine. My longship will put in at every island, I'll look at ancient ruins for a while, And when I've finished topping up my suntan, I'll head back to sweet Norsca with a smile. CHORUS (with the last 2 lines changed to) "Only in Graecia will I take my holiday, I'm getting tired of Norsca and I need to get away"
9.
This happens more often than you'd like to think An unfortunate traveller in need of a drink But as I propped up the bar at the Weasel and Stoat Imploring the landlord to moisten my throat He said "there's no way I'll pour you a beer you've more than outstayed your welcome here your pockets are as empty as the space in your head and your bar tab is bigger than, well, your head" A shifty-looking fellow sidled up to the bar He said "stick with me kid, and you will go far you see, I'm a demon, and if you scratch my back I'll scratch yours in return and give you what you lack" CHORUS: FEALTY Do you want power, do you want might? Do you want a different lady every night? Do you want diamonds that sparkle like fire? Just give me your fealty, say what you desire I said "I'll give you my fealty, I'll sign on the line But there's just one thing I want to be mine A flagon of ale to quench my thirst You'll get what you want if I get that first" The demon grinned and said "Is that all? You could have been rich, I think you dropped the ball" He clapped his hands, and before I could blink The barman served me a tasty fresh drink I downed it in one and then I licked my lips The demon stood there with his hands on his hips I said "Hey, demon! Now we've made an exchange why not make another? What can you arrange?" CHORUS: MIND "You are a fool" he cried "just one more pint of ale? I have your mind and you're completely made of fail" I said "of all I've lost, I miss my mind the least so conjure up my pint, you big demonic beast" My bloodstream filled with alcohol, my head filled up with dreams The demon spawned a twin (or at least that's how it seemed) The room began to spin around, but I was not afraid I said "Hey, Mr. Demon, how about another trade?" CHORUS: BODY He said "Your body, mind and fealty all belong to me!" I said "Check out the Demon Code, subsection 14B" I paused to sup down my ale, to quench my thirst "All contracts are void if another demon got there first" My beer armour protects me, gives me courage to defend My body, mind and fealty belong to a dear old friend The stranger knew I had him, his heart began to sink 'cos I've already been consumed by the demon they call drink The demon slinked away, tail between his legs I watched him go as I drank the final dregs The landlord said "I like your style, you've courage and you've nouse from now until forever, your drinks are on the house!" I don't want power, and I don't want might I don't want a different lady every night I don't want diamonds that sparkle like fire There's only one thing I truly desire I won't give you anything, won't sign on the line I'll just sit here drinking until the end of time An ocean of ale to quench my thirst I'll drink what I want until I'm fit to burst
10.
CHORUS Mead halls and shield walls, Norscan, Norscan, Axe blades and night raids, Norscan, Norscan, I think that you'll find if you're not out of your mind, That Everything Good is Norscan. Tea is actually, just a mineral That they mine in Vanaheim, by the bucketful In a soup it cures the droop, And puts the lead back in your pencil, So we cart it to the Harts, And they drink it by the potful, But the mines are almost empty now, We've dug so deep we've hit drow, And soon when all the tea is gone, There'll be no more fun in Albion CHORUS Kilts are really built out in Orkneyjar, As fashion-wear for ladies fair of Caledonia, Naked knees are sure to please if they're not knobbly or hairy, So they take all we can make and the volumes are quite scary, Enough for half the population of the Caledonian nation, But their women are quite rare in them, 'Cause their men are always wearing them. CHORUS Pyramids are made by kids from southern Jotunheim, A skill they teach down on the beach with blocks of sand and lime, A bright Year Nine sold the design to the Queen of the Aegyptians, They build them tall, then wreck them all, With their wierd picture inscriptions, They seal their gold up in a tomb that's hidden in a secret room, But the Norscan schoolboy rubs his hands, 'Cause the room is marked up on his plans. CHORUS
11.
All The Boys 04:35
Welcome to Teutonia, it's a green and pleasant land with and friendly people who can always lend a hand As you get to] know us, your love for us will grow Though there are some things about us that maybe you should know We'd always hurt a fly and say Boo to a goose We'd give your mum a wedgie and we don't need an excuse We'd steal candy from a baby, and trample on it's toys you ask us who we are, we say ALL THE BOYS - VIPER BOYS! Our diverse ethnic culture is progressive and it's cool And our students are the brightest due to our amazing schools Our new taxation system is egalitarian But there's some stuff about us that you should understand We'd take a fluffy bunny, and put it on the boil We'll stick a knife into your back and a flag into your soil If you can't sleep at night, it's us - we're making noise We'll tell you who we are we are ALL THE BOYS - VIPER BOYS! The friendly, lush black forest is an awe-inspiring sight To which tourists flock in droves for a chance to spend the night The Reiskarg ritual cirlce is good clean harmless fun But there's bits we want to mention before this song is done We're not up before dawn 'cos we're stabbing up til late You're either brave or stupid if you wander through our gate We just can't keep a count of the Prince Bishops we've destroyed You all know who we are, we are ALL THE BOYS - VIPER BOYS! Go roaming in the Blood Marshes, they’re really to die for And the fine beaches of Lecce should be part of every tour We’ve been busy refurbishing the lovely town of Beck But if you want to mess with us, best keep yourself in check We'll rain down hails of mage bolts from our fine moral high ground The only thing dividing us is what's best: Green or Brown? Destroying the Akari and Empire gave us joy You’d best know who we are, we are ALL THE BOYS - VIPER BOYS! So now you know Teutonia is better than your place Do you have a faction leader who can shred and melt your face?
12.
He's A Dwarf 04:10
Who's that warrior, with the hammer and the shield? Will of iron encased in burnished steel Fore-arms like his aroma are both equally strong Beard down to his ankles, which admittedly's not that long CHORUS: Facial hair, manners of a bear Four foot stature and a thousand-yard stare But when he's fighting at your shoulder (hip!) you just don't care 'cos he's a dwarf He's a dwarf! (he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf) He's a dwarf! (he's a dwarf, he's a very dwarfy dwarf) He's a dwarf! (he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf, he's a dwarf) He's a dwarf! (he's a dwarf, he's a very dwarfy dwarf) He's a brute! He's hirsute! He's a gold-divining, silver mining, mountain hewing, master brewing dwarf! Raised in the echoes of majestic mountain halls Stories of his forefathers in runes upon the walls Takes the precious bounty from the belly of the earth Shapes it into artifacts of vast power and great worth CHORUS Piles his plate with comestibles, and eats just like a horse Drinks like a Caledonian, and sings just like the Norse Quaffs horns of honey mead, then downs a yard of ale (Compared to a human, that's a yard and a half, to scale) CHORUS
13.
Jacob ploughed the whale road His first love was the angry sea Casting his nets in the mounting swell Until he met a mermaid called Cecily CHORUS She was a mermaid, but the other way round Half woman, half fish, but in reverse Don't judge another by the love that they found Love being blind can be a curse Legs of a lady Body of a cod Eyes of a haddock Ankles of a god Jacob and the irregular mermaid Jacob hit a storm surge Mast broken and far from port A wave sucked him clean off the boat But he was saved by a mermaid of a different sort CHORUS Jacob tried to woo her But no flowers in oceans can be found So he reeled her in with mealworms And a tiny little castle she could swim around CHORUS Jacob married Cecily To each other their lives devote Her fins had no fingers so there was no ring He just laid a pearl necklace around her throat CHORUS Jacob lost his Cecily After seven years she filed for divorce She fell for a topsy-turvy centaur With the legs of a human and the torso of a horse CHORUS
14.
This is a song that tells of the death of my dad He was cut down in battle, but I'm not sad He was a hero and I am proud to bear his name And one day I hope to share in his glory and fame CHORUS You fought to your last breath, and you watched as the valkyries flew, And daddy, when I grow up I want to be dead, just like you Daddy when I last saw you I was sat on your knee When they carried you away, they left part of your leg with me You said "keep your head in the chin in the air keep your feet on the ground" But they buried you quickly and got it the other way round CHORUS I don't want to put on my 'jamas and head off to bed I want to drink twelve horns of mead and get out of my head I don't want to go to school and learn how to rhyme I just want to go to the Valhall and have a good punch up CHORUS I'll head off to battle and lay down my young Norscan life I can't lift your sword but I found your old fruit peeling knife I don't have the reach to strike at men's heads or their hearts But by Loki they'd better watch out for their sensitive parts CHORUS I want to be riddled with arrows and fall to my knees, just like you I want to die on top of a pile of my dead enemies, just like you I want to die howling defiance and cursing my foes, just like you I want to see pieces of my brain drip out through my nose, just like you I want to feel my life force draining through deep tissue cuts, just like you I want to get stabbed in my stomach and spill out my guts, just like you I want to be choking on blood when I swear my last vow, just like you I want to be smothered in chocolate and fed to the drow, just like you
15.
Everyone knows that the Norscan Royals are scary, And every full moon the Odinsheim palace gets hairy, The Norscans don't mind 'cause they think that it's kind of a bonus, That the man with the Crown is quite hard to put down thanks to Lunas. CHORUS And so they don't complain, About the smells and the hairs and the stains, But there's one thing on which everyone agrees... He can lick his own plums and sniff other chaps' bums But a Wolf Prince should never have fleas. A Wolf Prince should never have fleas A Wolf Prince should never have fleas He can lick his own plums and sniff other chaps' bums But a Wolf Prince should never have fleas. Queen Kara's boudoir is a showroom of ceiling to floor chintz, The maids all work hard to remove the wet patches and paw prints, A shapechanging Royal can be friendly and loyal, and unbloodstained, If you keep scratching his ears and keep feeding him beers he stays housetrained CHORUS While we sit at the table they eat from a bowl on the floor, With those puppy-dog eyes they whimper and beg for some more, They go out and chase sticks, and occasionally Bricks or just peasants, And when the man on the throne tries to bury his bone it ain't pleasant. CHORUS
16.
This song has been passed by the Norscan Song Comission It's wholesome and it's pleasant and it's clean, And when we applied for Wolf song permission We changed anything spiteful or mean. This song takes account of the needs of minorities We wanted to show how much we cared So the words are nice and easy, for those with low abilities LOUD AND SLOW FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED. Everything is wonderful, everyone is great, Squeakies are fantabulous, the drow are just first rate, The command group are infallible, diplomacy's divine, There's Nothing To Complain About and that's The Official Line This song respects a woman as a valued equal being, Not an object of lustful desire, And why have controversy when we could be all agreeing, And the bards could be preaching to the choir. This song rejects enthralling as a form of cruel oppression, That no barbarian horde should condone, So let's all free the workers and we'll make a good impression, 'Cause we can clean the toilets on our own. Everything is marvellous, everyone is nice, Lycanthropes are the Chosen Race, The Queen is without vice Free expression's treasonous, censorship is fine, Things Can Only Get Better and that's The Official Line This song believes in peaceful means of conflict resolution And forging lots of ploughshares out of swords, 'Cause gentlemen from Forinjar make a valid contribution And it's wrong to help ourselves to treasure hoards, This song accepts that faith is multi-denominational No matter to which ancestor you pray, They don't need spears or hammers to be fully operational, And if they've got eight legs that's still OK. Everything is heavenly, everyone is cool, Kasimir's an idiot and Lester's just a fool, War is an atrocity, the troops should resign, Erdreja Is A Happy Place and that's The Official Line

credits

released March 30, 2015

The Bricks are:
Thorkal Gudbardsson - Vocals, guitar, bass, recorder, “viking horn”
Lester Starcraft - Vocals, guitar, ukelele, trousers
Cassius - Vocals, mermaid wrangling

Also Featuring:
Redbeard, The Fuse Whisperer - Fiddle, bass
Irregular Flippersson - Drums, stunning box, cowbell, more cowbell, shaky egg
Don Nick of Scillyjar - Bodhran, tambourine
Stavros Eranti - Guitar solo on “All The Boys”, gypsy widdling on “Holidays In Graecia”
Swein Hundsson as “a dog”

Recorded, mixed & mastered by Dusty Potsson at Drow & Wight Studio, Kernowjar
Actually recorded, mixed & mastered by Brendan McGreal at Black & White Studio, Cornwall
Additional recording by Justin French and Stephen McGreal
Produced by Stephen McGreal

Thorkal’s stunt double: Neil Albrechtsen
Lester impersonator: Stephen McGreal
Cassius’s evil twin: Sammo Pinney
Redbeard appears courtesy of Neil Mcmahon
Flippersson puppeteered by Flip Wilkes
Don Nick’s secret alter-ego: Nick Lishman
Stavros’ trained monkey: Tim Lewis
Swein Hundsson phys. repped by Ozzy Ozkins

Cover art by Ian Bowden
Graphic design by David “Zaphod” Moss
Photography by Nick Lishman
Photo editing by Hamish Frater

Special thanks: Anni Albrechtsen, Charley Downey, Ben Harris, Hutch, Dan Keating-Roberts, Ashley Liddell, Jack McGreal, Su Wainwright, Katherine Wheatley, and the Kickstarter backers.

Visit www.thebricksbards.co.uk for lyrics, chords, and full Kickstarter credits.

To the memory of Leon Vickers. Coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, about to put his boots on.

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