A Brick Over Troubled Mortar

by The Bricks

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credits

released August 26, 2004

A NOTE FOR THE BEWILDERED:

The Bricks is a band comprised of fictional characters from Erdreja, the setting of the Lorien Trust Live-Action Roleplaying (LARP) system. As such, a lot of the lyrical content of our songs may be strange and confusing to those who live in the Real World(tm). For help deciphering our lyrics, we have provided a handy glossary, here:

www.thebricksbards.co.uk/about.html

THE BRICKS ARE:

Kasimir Svettirsson, The Skald of Love
_ Guitar, vocals, bass, cittern, recorder, bhodran, tambourine

Lester, Wolf Faction Chief War Jester Wot Is Dead Good, Pope Of Cassius
- Guitar, "vocals", bass, bhodran, tambourine

Cassius, The Ancestor Who Cares
- Vocals, left-handed lute, thunderclaps, miracles

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES:

Donna Lucretia Di Sasso Grande - The Fat Lady
Eucalyptus MostlyBeard - Treant
Sverikal Rotundsson - Baritone
Scurvy NoBeard - Roadie
The Folly's Rest Assualt Choir
The North Vanaheim Amateur Heckling Society

Recorded and mixed by Dusty Potsson at Millenium Falcon Studios, Kernowjar, Except:
Except tracks 4 & 6 recorded at Ochayethenoo Studios, Caledonijar by Bloke Hisdadsson,
track 12 recorded live at Malar Stadium, Orkneyjar,
track 10 recorded live at The Weasel & Stoat, North Vanaheim

Produced by Jobsa Goodunsson

Kasimir Svettirsson appears courtest of The Shagheim Harem
Lester appears courtesy of the Militia Guild Talentless Bard Rehabilitation Service
Cassius appears courtesy of Valhalla Enterprises Inc.



Kasimir Svettirsson played by Neil Albrechtsen
Lester played by Stephen McGreal
Cassius played by Samuel Pinney

Dusty Potsson played by Brendan McGreal
Millenium Falcon Studios, Malar Stadium & The Weasel & Stoat played by Rogue Studios, Cornwall

Bloke Hisdadsson played by Andy "Codpiece" Copus
Ochayethenoo played by Clearwater Studios, Perth, Scotland

Jobsa Goodunsson played by The Band & Brendan McGreal
Mastering by Rich Bates

Special thanks: Ben Bradshaw, Phil Burley, Gary Grant, Barnaby Ray, and the Wolf Faction

tags

license

all rights reserved
Track Name: Not Scared of Spiders
Hey there all you Trannies, you're sick and wrong
Your acts of evil have gone on far too long
You tried our patience, you knew that it would snap
You'll get what you deserve, that's one almighty slap

Your days are numbered, you'll pay for all your sins
The game is over, the Light Alliance wins
We'll find your Matron Mother, and stick our swords inside her
You're afraid of the Big Bad Wolf but we're not scared of Spiders

You should have seen it coming, should have felt the turning tide
We'll hunt you down like animals, you'll have nowhere to hide
And ringing in your ears will be the promise we have made
That we will take no prisoners, and you will taste our blades

You're hopelessly outclassed, your situation's dire
The light at the end of the tunnel is us - We're bringing fire
We'll trap you in a corner and administer a beating
Then set fire to the Underdark, we'll have underfloor heating

Llolth won't come to help you as you perish down beneath
She might have more legs than us, but we've got bigger teeth
And then you'll realise, our bite's worse than our bark
Track Name: The Offensive Song
Once upon a time four elder races there were made
But they were just crap prototypes, it's time for an upgrade
It's time to roll out Version 2 and show them to the door
The elves, fey, dwarves and Ologs, we don't need them anymore

What about the Elves? (They're all poncey!)
What about the Fey? (They're all noncey!)
What about the Dwarves? (They're too hairy!)
What about the Ologs? (They're too scary!)

Come in all you Elder Races, your time is up
The fat lady's singing and you just can't shut her up
So take the Elder Races and age them if you can
The world will be our Oyster, Erdreja ruled by man

Elves (Poncey!)
Fey (Noncey!)
Dwarves (Hairy!)
Ologs (Scary!)

The Elves were put upon the land to make the trees feel good
Companions for the timber, the branches give them wood
Damn their stupid pointy ears and silly poncey ways
We're using our incanting and we're counting down the days

Seelie or unseelie fey, it's all the same to me
Someone should just lock them up and throw away the key
They think that they're all glamorous, but they'll take you for a ride
They're just squeakies in pearl necklaces, from Mordred they can't hide

Stumpy dwarves live underground, they're hairy and they smell
No-one can see their ugly chops in the darkness where they dwell
They've got lots of gold and gems and shiny stuff they've made
The only way they'll part with it is if they think that they'll get laid

Stupid stupid stupid ologs have a small vocabulary
Of the Elder Races they're the dumbest of the three (... But there's four!)
Stupid stupid stupid ologs, stupid stupid ologs
Stupid stupid stupid ologs, stupid stupid ologs

The drow are not an Elder Race, but we put them in this song
'Cos we're going to have to stab them up and it's taking far too long
The men are only whipping boys with girly silver hair
The women are all grizzlers, and cute ones are quite rare

Drow [DEAD!]
Track Name: My God's Better Than Your God
I suppose you can't help it really, you're just no good heathen scum,
And all your beliefs are just a load of superstition
That you learned from your barmy old mum.
You think you see it all so clearly, you think you've got it all worked out,
But all of your religion's just a load of mumbo-jumbo. cos Asgard's what it's about!

CHORUS
We got Law Gods, we got War Gods,
We got knock you down to the floor Gods.
And all you got is a bunch of nancy boys!

My God's better than Your God,
and My God's bigger than Yours.
My God's coming round Your God's heaven,
To show Your Gods what for.
My God does better rituals,
and My God give better spells.
and My God doesn't like hanging out with Your God,
'cos Your God smells.....

Some of you worship the sunrise, and get your kicks hugging trees,
But you're just a bunch of hippy soap-dodgers, with tie-died curtains and fleas,
Some people's Gods have got feathers, and some people's Gods have got fur,
But the Norscan Gods are all proper-shaped people, not food that you have to call "Sir".

What's the use of worshipping a spider, except to keep your temples clear of flies,
And who wants to pray to a gang of three women, or a bald bloke who ate all the pies?
We've got a bloke with a bloody great hammer, we've got a bloke with a bloody great spear,
And when we've died, we get a free ride from a hot chick in combat gear!
Track Name: The Jester Blues
Woke up this mornin' got out of bed
Was jumped by gribblies and they killed me half dead
My blood and gore All over the place
They spilt my breakfast, I had egg on my face
My name is Lester, have you ever ever seen a depresseder jester?

Went on an adventure, the whole party died
I couldn't run so I was forced to hide
Spend severn hours stuck up a tree
Man I swear those gribblies are ganging up on me.
My name is Lester, have you ever ever seen a depresseder jester?

I rescued a damsel who was in distress
She ran off with a paladin and she left me in a mess
I loved that girl... I loved that girl
but now I really really really really hate the world
My name is Lester, have you ever ever seen a depresseder jester?

My boss Gravel Chops really gives me the blues
He docks my wages and he sold my shoes
Made me wear this silly hat, as you can see
And he said he really wanted a dog instead of me
My name is Lester, have you ever ever seen a depresseder jester?

I tried to make money, I got booed off the stage
But I can't fight and I'm a terrible mage
You know, doing stand-up is so very hard
And I wonder why I ever became a stinking bard
My name is Lester, have you ever ever seen a depresseder jester?
Track Name: All I Care About
I don't care about your stupid quests,
Unless we're saving a maiden with a nice pair of breasts,
Hot chicks are all that matter to me,
I don't care about posterity,
There's lots of reasons for risking your life,
But nothing's as tempting as somebody's wife,
I don't care about your silver and gold,
But if you tell me there's poontang,
Then baby, I'm sold!

Short or tall,
Blond or brown,
I'm just happy if there's women around,
Rich or poor,
Lady or whore,
I don't give a monkey's just as long as I score.

I'm told I should be married by the time that I'm thirty,
But the women I want are all sleazy and dirty,
I don't want a Guild rank or a skill or a trade,
I'm gonna spend my time just trying to get laid,
You can tell me I'm lazy, that I'm idle and lax,
But I just want to make the beast with two backs,
If I wanna get promoted then I have to impress,
But I'll only kiss ass if it's under a dress.

Why waste ten gold on a ritual slot,
When down in the brothel that can buy you a lot,
I don't want potions and I don't want scrolls,
I want naked ladies that are wrapped around poles,
I don't want to worship anything above,
I want to bow down at your temple of love,
I'll take the battlefield with the rest of the faction,
Just as long as when its over I can get some hot action.

Now I'm dead in my bed, with a smile on my face,
I'm not in Valhalla it's a different place,
I must have made a wish with my dying breath,
I'm in the place that you get taken if you're shagged to death!
Track Name: 'Til Death Do Us Part
This is a story about how easy it is to stray from the right path:
A tale of love, death, and maybe some more love.
For any lawkeepers in the audience, I'd like to point out that the story is entirely fabricated.
Except for that bit about me being a Love God...

This tale begins like many others in the world
It starts along the lines of boy meets girl
I was the boy, though this was many moons ago
I've still got my mojo - ladies you should know
The girl well she was gorgeous, she had lovely flowing hair
I can't recall her name, but who the hell cares?
The night was lit up bright by the silver moon above
Our eyes met and we both knew we were in love
She gave me many friction burns, and well... I gave her one
Then I gave her another, and the night went on and on
We made the earth move, but then tragedy it struck
She just stopped breathing whilst we were in mid.... Flow
I checked her pulse but it is absent to this day
I just got frightened and so then I ran away
Imagine my surprise a week later, maybe more
When my dead lover came and knocked upon my door

She said "Bleeeeeeeeeeurgh!"
She said "Bleeeeeeeeeeurgh!"
So I said "I may be a hopeless romantic
But you're just downright necromantic
Have you ever heard the phrase 'Til Death Do Us Part'?
No hormonal zombie could ever win my heart!"

She was wearing perfume and a stunning evening dress
But her skin was peeling off, she looked a total mess
Her dead eyes seemed to say "How I really miss ya"
But her pattern was more corrupt than the head of the Militia
Some necromancer guy must have raised her from the dead
And she'd lurched back to me determined to give head
I suppose it's quite sweet, that Love can survive Death
I wasn't so keen when I smelt her rancid breath

I pushed her out the door and back into the street
But she came crawling back and grovelled at my feet
I hired an incantor wedge, but they did not expect
Her lust to be so strong - she murmured "No effect"
I couldn't dismiss her, and she followed me for days
I couldn't sleep in case she had her wicked way
One night I got so tired I began to fall asleep
Before I knew it she was there between my sheets

She still made my pulse race, and eventually I cracked
She didn't have a pulse but was still great in the sack
Although she was a putrid bag of flesh and bones
She never whined like other women I have known

She just said "Bleeeeeeeeeuuuurgh" (That's all she said now)
She said "Bleeeeeeeeeuuuurgh" (That's all she said now)
I see you're shocked, I see your disgusted frowns
She may be dead but I'm not dead from the waist down
And I suppose that it only goes to show
I loved a dead girl because dead girls don't say "No"....

The spell was broken, and she fell down limp at last
I left her lying there and took a long hot bath
When I returned she had just vanished from the bed
She'd left a love letter and this is what it said:
Track Name: One on One with the Lady
Way down in the forest, a lady lies in wait.
Superstitious woman, she keeps you wide awake.
She sits there in the clearing, waiting for her date.
She's expecting Vlad for dinner, but he's running kinda late.
So if you want to meet her, and want to have some fun.
She's in the Vainamoiinen and she'll give you one on one.

She's funky, she's funky, got twigs all in her hair.
She's spunky, she's spunky, she'll take you to her lair.
And if you're really daring and kiss her on the mush.
She'll take you firmly by the hand and lead you to her bush.

One on one with the lady..
One on one with the lady...
One on one with the lady...
Sweet Lady of the forest won't you one on one with me!

She's a very pretty lady, and she's getting kinda keen.
Her hair is blonde, her eyes are blue and she wears a lot of green.
She eats a lot of berries, the forest is her home.
She'll one on one with Humans, and she'll one on one with Gnomes.
She's not exactly fussy, she just wants a real good time.
So if you want a one on one, that surely ain't a crime.

She waits until the sun goes down, the day is getting old.
She pulls a few more leaves around, she's getting kind of cold.
She knows that Vlad is coming, she hopes that he's in wolf form.
She doesn't like the teeth so much, but the fur is nice and warm.
Vlad gives her what she wanted, but then she has to go.
She wants another one on one, she's a supernatural ho!!!
Track Name: Hobbit Love
They're not very tall, but that doesn't matter
It's the taste of the meal not the size of the platter
So if you like them shorter, and a little bit fatter....

Hobbit Love
Hobbit Love
Hobbit Love
Hobbit Love

They're rather partial to the liquor and the leaf,
But unlike a Kender, they're probably not a thief,
You can get their women drunk on half a bottle of Reef, Yeah!

They're cute as a button and really rather sweet,
With lots of lovely curly hair and massive furry feet,
And just like a finger of Fudge they're very small and neat, Yeah!

So forget human wenches, and elven ladies too,
You lanky hags can pack your bags it's time for something new,
So come on boys and join me at the back of the queue..... for
Track Name: Little Vampire
Sleep Little Vampire Sleep,
It's Getting Pretty Bright Outside,
So Climb Back Into Your Box,
In Your Nightie And Your Bedsocks,
And Sleep Little Vampire Sleep

You Think You're In A Safe Place,
In Your Castle On TheCliff Face,
But I've Brought Some Rope And Some Crampons
You Think That Hiding In The Dark,
That Maybe I Will Miss My Mark,
But I'll Come Looking For You With My Lamp On

You Think Your Undead Bodyguards,
Are More Than A Match For Silly Bards,
But I've Brought My Friends The Incantors
You Think That My Approach Is Blocked,
'Cause All Your Doors Are Trapped And Locked,
But Not All Of The Decent Scouts Are Tarantulas

For All The People's Necks You've Nipped,
Revenge Is Coming To Your Crypt,
You'll Pay For All The Blood That You've Been Quaffing
'Cause I Won't Make A Mistake,
When I Stab Your Chest With This Stake,
And Drag You Into Daylight In Your Coffin.
Track Name: The Worst Audience
I suppose it all began in a keep in Vetrheim
I was just thirteen then, a servant at the time
My overbloated master was preparing for his feast
Of ale and meat and vegetables, ten courses at the least
Unwittingly I served to him soup which contained a fly
His face turned red in anger, he demanded to know why
"You foolish boy! Come over here, and see what you have done!"
"Be quiet, sir" I told him "Or they'll all be wanting one"

He roared and roared with laughter, he laughed so very hard
"You're hired my boy" he chuckled "as my personal bard"
I said I didn't want the job, more trouble than it's worth
But who could deny a Baron who was clearly filled with mirth?
He made me wear a stupid hat, me made me prance about
And when he didn't like it, he'd bellow and he'd shout
His heckling was so severe I started to go mad
But he wasn't quite as bad as you, the worst audience I've had

I've played some awful gigs in my time upon this earth
I'm heckled and I'm never paid quite what I am worth
His heckling was so severe I started to go mad
But he wasn't quite as bad as you, the worst audience I've had

I soon escaped the Baron and I travelled far and wide
I ran from outraged audiences, I tried to save my hide
They chased with broken bottles, they pelted me with fruit
They smashed and burnt my instruments, guitar and pipes and flute
The Lions and the Harts, well they listened with dismay
And though I escaped with my life, they flat refused to pay
I've been declared an outlaw by Erdreja's kings and queens
But they weren't quite as bad as you, the worst audience I've seen

I've played some awful gigs in my time upon this earth
I'm heckled and I'm never paid quite what I am worth
I've been declared an outlaw by Erdreja's kings and queens
But they weren't quite as bad as you, the worst audience I've seen

I've insulted Matron Mothers, and that gig cost me dear
I've entered in the Bard's Contest, I lose it every year
The Dragons have Bardic privelidge, my welcome was outstayed
The taverns I'm not banned from become fewer every day
The Unicorns and Gryphons, they just have no sense of fun
They tried to arrest me, so I just had to run
I've played to Viper zombies, they loved me for my brains (geddit?)
But they couldn't match you, you're so hard to entertain

I've played some awful gigs in my time upon this earth
I'm heckled and I'm never paid quite what I am worth
I've played to Viper zombies, they loved me for my brains
But they couldn't match you, you're so hard to entertain

I wrote some of the finest songs ever crafted on this land
But you'll never hear them, 'cos most of them are banned
The Wolves love their diplomacy, but not freedom of speech
One day I think they'll sail off, and leave me on the beach
I was told the Bears and Jackals really liked a song
But when I went to play for them I found out I was wrong
So please don't take it personally, 'cos I don't want to die
You guys are my worst audience, that's no word of a lie
Track Name: Do You Speak Norscan?
We were sailing up the coast of Forinjar,
We were looking out for thralls both near and far,
Then I saw somebody standing on the beach ahead,
So I tapped him on the shoulder
and I snarled at him and said...

Do You Speak Norscan?

He said,
1 - Qu'est que c'est? Je ne vous comprends pas.
Qu'est que c'est? Je ne vous comprends pas.

And as he mumbled some old nonsense in a foreign tongue,
I said captain bring the boat around I think I've found another one.

2 - Vas is das? Sprekken ze Teutonian?
Achtung! Achtung! Ich bin ein Berliner.

3 - 'Ere cor blimey, guv'nor, 'ave a cup of tea,
'Ere cor blimey, guv'nor, 'ave a cup of tea,

4 - Hast thou no manners, thou egregious cur?
Unhand me at once, and kindly address me as sir.

5 - Bore da, Cymrja am byth! (Make Sheep baah-ing sounds..)
Bore da, Cymrja am byth!

6 - Ah begorrah, top of the morning to you!
Feck, girls, that would be an ecumenical matter!

7 - Och aye the noo! Hoots mon, see you Jimmy!
Och aye the noo! Hoots mon, see you Jimmy! (We surrender!)

8 - Fifteen gold to you, and that's cutting my own throat,
It's a top notch piece of gear, worth every groat.

9 - Matron Mummy says don't talk to strangers,
Overground is full of scary dangers.

10 - Sphinx, Pyramid, Stork, Tart with a Cat,
Ankh, Sundial, Two Trees, Man in a Hat.

11 - Shaddupayaface, just one cornetto!
Respect me, respect the family, capiche!

And as he mumbled some old nonsense in a foreign tongue,
I said captain forget the boat, I think he's Siciljan.
Track Name: Enthrall The World
Enthrall the World,
Make It A Better Place,
Put the Forinjars in Chains,
And We'll Never Work Again,
Enthrall the World, Enthrall the World, Enthrall the World

For Far Too Long,
Ignorance Has Ruled the Heartlands,
Let's Make A Change,
Teach Them All the Way of the Norseman,
They Dress Like Girls,
Show Them How to Make Real Trousers,
They Live in Peace,
Let's Lend them some Rabble Rousers,

Come Be a Thrall,
Sail Away on a Voyage of Discovery,
Learn a Trade,
Clean the Toilets or Work in a Tannery,
Live Somewhere Cool,
Avoid the Dangers of Sunburn,
Don't Be a Fool,
Next Summer it Could be Your Turn,

Their Gods are Lame,
Not a Decent Beard Amongst Them,
It's Such a Shame,
Let's Give Them an Ultimatum,
Come Join Us Now,
Come Find Your New Horizon,
So Take a Bow,
Make it Easy to Put the Collar On....
Track Name: Norscan Summer
This song is as long as a Norscan summer